By: Sarah Ansari
Friday, October 3, President Donald Trump was admitted to the Walter Reed Medical Center, infected with COVID-19. Toupee matted with exertion, the president fought valiantly for his life, the fluorescent lights of the hospital illuminating the sheen of sweat on his leathery, orange-toned brow. Gasping for breath, the president could only whisper a faint, “wrong” when instead of going for the bottles of bleach known to be the cure-all for COVID, the doctors instead went for more traditional drugs.
Perhaps if the medical professionals had listened to Donald, known by himself to be a “very stable genius”, he would have been released within the day. However, the doctors (now under investigation as foreign spies) refused to listen to the president tell them how to do their job.
Still, Trump displayed an amazing resilience in the face of adversity. Unlike the Americans spending months in crowded hospitals recovering from Corona or the 200,000 people who have died in the United States, Trump managed to recover within days. Some insist that he was only able to do so because of his access to free, top-notch healthcare and a personal team of the nation’s top doctors. However, the president put those rumours to rest. Ever magnanimous, Trump released a statement revealing the secrets behind his recovery:
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
What his hands lack in size, Trump makes up for in his brains, solving a global issue with a single tweet.
Tons of U.S. citizens lament the country’s healthcare crisis– talking about inflated costs for medical treatment, the way hospitals favour the rich (with poor people often going broke just to be treated), and the overall lack of accessibility of the system. But, with Mr. Trump’s sage words of wisdom, those issues are a thing of the past.
Don’t let it dominate your life.
Unlike the right to abortion, to Donald Trump, sickness is a choice, a question– and much like the question as to whether he should be re-elected, the answer is no.
(Remember to vote!: https://vote.gov/)
The REVIVAL Zine 